Right, you have just taken up the classic game of golf. You’ve been to the best sports store you can find and bought the best clubs around and kitted yourself out in the trendiest golf clothes money can buy. Now what?

Well at some point you will probably want to experience a round of golf. Now here’s the thing, golfers have their own rules, golfers etiquette.

If you don’t practice etiquette on a golf course you’ll find the only golf you will be playing for a while will be on a game console.

So you have been asked to join some more experienced golfers for a round. They take this game pretty seriously, believe me! Just try and remember a little of the following;

Don’t wait until one of the players is about to tee off before you start telling everyone how excited you are. When they step up to the tee keep quiet. Try not to even breathe until the shot is played. Whilst keeping quiet stand to the side of the player, don’t stand behind them as this may be off putting or you may even get hit by the swing of the club. Don’t, ever , ever offer advice or tell them to hurry up!

When its your turn to tee off make sure you’re ready. By all means have a couple of practice swings but remember its not the Ryder Cup and you’re not Tiger Woods. If you can, hit the ball, and try to hit it in the general direction of the flag. If it flies off to the side or dribbles a few paces and stops please don’t blame the club or your shoes or the grass. Just move on and relax and at least try to look happy.

Resist the temptation to scoff at poor shots or to overplay good ones. A good golfer takes adversity and success in their stride and treats them both the same (sometimes).

It is a good idea to watch where the ball goes and not spend all your time looking at the label on your new golf shoes.

A little bit of friendly banter is fine but don’t hype it up too much. Try not to start wiggling your hips and shouting ‘loser, loser’ as one of your opponents misses a simple putt. Alternatively don’t start a celebration dance just because your ball has found the freeway. There is a fine line between smugness and a punch in the mouth. Golf is about fun with friends and not about humiliation.

When an opponent is putting try and stay out of the line of their shot. Don’t kick your shoes off and start sunbathing next to the flag. Its not big and its not clever.

After the game shake hands and relax in the clubhouse with a drink and pleasant conversation. Resist the temptation to borrow a golf cart and do a lap of honor. Nobody likes a show off. If you have lost avoid throwing your clubs to the ground and declaring in a loud voice ‘Its not even a sport anyway’.

If you follow some of this advice chances are you will be asked to play again. Ignore it at your peril.